11.08.08
Posted in Write Today at 1:33 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
Cecelia and I had our swim class this morning at the Y and it was so wonderful. Every mom thinks their child is a genius or a pro or just overall amazing, but I swear Cecelia is a born swimmer. I swam when I was pregnant with her up until I was almost due and it was always my favorite time of day–time alone with my little daughter before she even joined the outside world. Now it seems (even though I know it’s totally impossible and hippie-dippie of me to think it) like she remembers those swims and it’s second nature for her. She was bright-eyed and interested the entire half-hour this morning, kicking away and not crying once. Before I was a parent I was afraid that maybe I didn’t have it in me to be a good mom, maybe I would be too selfish to be able to give up my time for someone else, but now that I’m in the thick of it, I can’t imagine not being a mom. It’s so easy to give up my Saturday morning b/c it’s not even a sacrifice–it’s a joy to see her watching the world unfold in front of her as she figures things out. It’s what I look forward to each day as I sit at work waiting for the weekend to finally arrive. Speaking of work, I did get to see Joe Biden and Obama. They walked past an office I was in and they were surrounded by secret service men, but I did get to see them. It’s kind of neat to be able to say I was in the same office as the president-elect the week he began to strategize his cabinet. It truly is historic.
Trey and our dog (Steve) are gone until tomorrow visiting his parents, so it’s just Cece Lou and me. I’m going to do some finishing touches on my book and the cover graphic. I so hope it’s done by Christmas. Now I just have to figure out how much to charge for it.
I submitted an article to a newspaper called Chicago Parent. I hope it gets accepted so I can start finally getting my work out there. I’ll paste the article here. Have a lovely Saturday wherever you may be.
Guilt-Trippin’
Rebecca Rine-Stone
I have a 6-month-old daughter named Cecelia and she recently had an ear infection. It was so bad that she lost her voice and had a cough that made it sound like she had a pretty severe cigar addiction. Talk about a guilt trip. I seriously thought I must’ve done something wrong to make her get sick. Should I own more hand sanitizer? Did I bathe her enough? Did I bathe her too much? Did the dog get too close to her? Did I get too close to her? I went through every possible reason, not stopping to consider the most obvious one: she’s in daycare and shares every last germ with her cohorts there and getting sick is not out of the question. But when that idea did finally occur to me, I, of course, went through the slightly dramatic, self-imposed guilt-trip ringer about how she’s in daycare because I work full-time and how careless of me to leave her at the mercy of strangers where she has to fight off germs before she even knows how to use a sippy cup. No matter what answer would come to me about why she got sick, guilt was its loyal nagging sidekick.
This little run-in with illness has made me realize this is just the beginning of a long road of my feeling guilty for a whole slew of things that happen to Cecelia. Sure, I expected I would change once I became a mother and those motherly instincts I’ve heard so much about would kick in, but I had no idea that being a mother would be the equivalent of being a lifelong member of the I-Feel-Guilty-for-Every-Last-Thing-That-Goes-Wrong-in-My-Child’s-Life club.
And the fact of the matter is that bad things are going to happen to my little Cece Lou. She will get sick again. She will get hurt. She will get her heart broken by a boy (and I will hunt him down and give him a piece of my mind—I’m already working on the speech I’ll give him). These things are inevitable because when you have a child, she’s not entirely yours; she belongs to the world—as ugly, scary and nerve-wracking as that world might be. Even though it’s completely ridiculous, part of me thinks that now that I’m a mother, I should be automatically armed with the power to protect my daughter from anything that hurts. I feel like that’s my job as a mom, but the truth is, that’s only what I wish I could do, not what I actually can do and I’m in for a lifetime of banging my head against the wall (with my guilt-trip club membership card grasped firmly in my hand) if I don’t remember there’s a vast difference between the two.
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11.06.08
Posted in Write Today at 6:59 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
Now, I don’t know if I’m just seeing things because I’m excited to have a new president in office, but it seems like people are being nicer to each other since Obama was elected. Both my bus drivers were grinning today. A woman on the train (yes, I take a train and a bus every day!) didn’t have money and another woman–without a second thought–jumped up, pulled out her wallet and forked over some cash. As the conductor came to my end of the train, the man in front of me pulled out a 10-dollar bill and gave it to the conductor to give to the woman and her family. He told the conductor, “Please, just give it to her. She has no money for a train ticket, so she can use this money for a meal. I have kids.” I just love that he said he has kids, which is the equivalent of saying, “No child of mine goes hungry and I can’t stand idly by while anyone else’s child goes hungry.” Well, that was my emotional translation at least! I immediately started to choke up. I wanted to tell the man he had made my day, but I seriously couldn’t get the words out. What a dunder head I am! I feel an energy about this city, like maybe something good is on the brink. Even if it’s not, maybe our belief that something good is on the brink is enough to bring it to fruition. Obama has actually been in the firm where I work this week b/c he’s friends with the man who essentially owns the place and he picked our office as a meeting place with Joe Biden, Rahm Emanuel and others to start planning their administration. I haven’t had a chance to meet him and to be honest, I’m okay if I don’t. Everyone at work is almost star-struck and nervous to meet him. He’s not a celebrity to me. He is a man who has an enormous job to do. That’s not to say I wouldn’t love to meet him. It’s hard to explain, I guess. If I get a chance to meet him tomorrow at work, I think I’ll just thank him for sacrificing time away from his family and thank him in advance for all he’s about to tackle. To me, that’s not the same sentiment I get when I think of meeting a celebrity. No matter what these four years bring, I can say that the man has already restored optimism and hope to people and I can see it on their faces and their acts of kindness. Maybe it’s not him at all, but me just looking for something that was always there.
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10.18.08
Posted in Write Today at 3:33 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
I just forced myself to sit down and read for 20 minutes while Cecelia was taking her nap. Usually on the weekends I get so crazy thinking about all I want to get done in my 2 days off that when I go back to work Monday, I’m exhausted. It was wonderful to have those 20 minutes. I hear her waking up in the next room now, so this will have to be quick. My book, “Sunbathing in a Body Cast” is going to be out in December or so! I have the cover picked out and everything! I had to pay to have it published, but I should make that money back when I sell copies. I’ll have a link here you can click on to buy it. I’m SO excited! I realize I haven’t written in this in ages, but life is great here. Sure, we’re absolutely broke, but there’s enough love in this condo to keep the world lit for ages. Being a mom has made me appreciate every last thing in this world and every last second I have with my amazing family. A side note–sorry my brain is jumping around–if you live in Chicago, I’ve just put together a reading open mic at a local coffee shop in Rogers Park. The first one will be Sunday Nov. 16 from 2-4. I think I’ll call it Writers’ Mic, but I’m not sure yet. She’s waking up for real now, so I have to go….
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08.23.08
Posted in Write Today at 7:19 am by Rebecca Rine-Stone
I’m thinking I will end this website very soon. The only thing I use it for is the blog, so I think I’ll just sign up for a blog somewhere without having to pay for a website. Even though I don’t write in the blog often, it is good to sit down and reflect a little from time to time, even if only a handful of the world is reading this. Time is ticking and Cecelia is amazing. She just turned four months old and is blowing our minds each day. She’s now full of smiles and giggles and she melts our hearts. I’ve emailed the editor of a local magazine called Chicago Parent and I’ll be sending her some article ideas soon. I have a bunch of ideas, now I just have to make myself sit down and write them. I’ve finally finished all the edits on my book, so I’m starting the process of self-publishing now. The hardest part now is deciding what to put on the cover and shelling out the cash it’s going to cost to print it. But it’s something I want to do and have wanted to do for long enough that it’ll be worth it. I’m hoping it’ll get my name out there so I can get my next book published by a real publishing house. It’s hard because having a baby has sort of taken my motivation away, not because I feel tired or crazy–it’s just that I feel fulfilled. If I were to spend the rest of my life hanging out with her and Trey in a small house with a yard just living life, I’d be happy. That’s all I need. But a lot of women say that and then their kids grow up and the women ask themselves, “Who am I?” So in order to avoid that lack of self-worth when Cecelia no longer needs me, I have to continue to carve out a path for myself. Although being a mom is the best job in the world, and one I would do in a heartbeat full-time if we could afford me to stay home, I have to remind myself I do still have goals that I would regret not reaching.
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08.06.08
Posted in Write Today at 8:03 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
Well, time has slipped away from me! I started back at work almost 4 weeks ago now and it’s been emotional to say the least. When I was on the train this morning we passed a dad holding his toddler, watching the train go by together and I nearly started sobbing on the train. I wanted to be the one holding the baby watching the train go by and not be the one on the train leaving her baby behind. It’s just me being selfish. Cecelia is doing so great. Trey is taking great care of her and when she does go to daycare she’s absolutely taken care of. They adore her there and I bet the social interaction is good for her. In a perfect world, I would work 3 days a week and be home with her the other days. I’m putting that wish out into the universe and I’m praying it’ll come together somehow. I have to stop listening to country music too. Every damn song is about your babies growing up way too fast and before you know it you’re an old fart and your spouse is about to kick the bucket. I’m telling you–every single song! Cece is melting our hearts every day here. The other day I was asking Trey if Cecelia had pooped and then I asked him if Steve (dog) had pooped and then we both stopped and said, “So, this is seriously our life?” At least we can laugh about it. I’ve been jotting down 3 things I liked the most about each day or that I was most grateful for. It’s been really wonderful to take a second to sit down and remember each day. The things I’m consistently grateful for are my family, friends and laughter. Speaking of laughter, I got an offer to teach standup comedy at Second City in the fall one night a week, so I’m going to do it! Maybe teaching will lead to more teaching jobs and I can do that part time. The whole thing always leads back to having health insurace and working freelance doesn’t offer health insurance. I can drive myself crazy worrying about what to do for work that would let me stay home more with my sweet ladybug, but I won’t worry about it tonight. Cece’s in bed and I’ve got the night to myself. Time to pour a glass of wine and do something for me. Who the heck knows what I’ll do! Maybe read! Maybe catch up on some email! Wowza, the possibilities are endless…okay, they’re pretty limited actually b/c I can’t leave the condo. Whatever the night will bring I can say with confidence it will include a bowl of Lucky Charms at one point. NOW we’re livin’ large!
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07.11.08
Posted in Write Today at 11:10 am by Rebecca Rine-Stone
Well, here we are: the last day of my maternity leave. I’ve been Sob Fest 2008 all morning so far. My favorite part of the day is watching Cecelia wake up and flash that first gummy smile of the day when she sees me and this morning it sent me into a crying fit. But it’s nearly 11:00 now and I’m getting myself together. I wish I could stay home with her all day every day, but then again I want to make sure she isn’t so sheltered that she stays too attached to me. It’s so strange to remember that when you have kids, they don’t exactly belong to you. Sure, they’re yours, but they actually belong to the world. The best thing I can do for Cbird is to fill her with confidence and independence to go out and reach all her goals, but in reality I want her all to myself forever. These last 12 weeks have been emotional and life-changing to say the least. I’ve learned a lot: I can function on very little sleep; Coffee is my new best friend; I can do anything I need to make sure my family’s happy; Getting the job of my dreams is now laughable b/c I now realize work is just work and doesn’t define who I am; As frugal as I was before, I can find even more ways to cut back; It’s okay to let the dishes sit for a few days if it means slowing down to enjoy the day more; Listening to music and dancing with a little hand in yours is magical; Spending time with neighbors is important; Money really doesn’t equal happiness–our baby doesn’t care if we have granite countertops and stainless steel appliances; Laughter is the key to a happy family; Enjoy every little morsel of each day…the list goes on, but I’ve learned these things for sure. As I go back to work, my hope is that I can remember these lessons. I have to remember just because I’m going back to work doesn’t mean Cecelia will feel abandoned–her dad will be with her most days! It’s just a selfish side of me that wants to be here for every moment. It’s hard to believe the pregnancy is over and now I have this family of a wonderful husband who makes me laugh my butt off every day and a daughter who makes me stop in my tracks with how swollen my heart gets just with one look at her. I’m so completely and utterly blessed, so I really shouldn’t complain about going back to work. My goal is to turn my sadness into optimism and remember I’m working for a reason. It’s not to get rich and make my job my life so I can’t spend time with my family. I’m simply working to make enough money to have things we need. That’s it. Nothing more. That lack of stress of finding the world’s best job is kind of a nice gift I’ve been given these past 12 weeks. A job equals money; family, friends and happiness equals everything.
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06.22.08
Posted in Write Today at 10:21 am by Rebecca Rine-Stone
Oh, Lordy, I’ll be returning to work in a few weeks here. Trey and I visited a couple daycare places last week and we’re off to see some more. We went through a non-profit placement agency for people who don’t have a lot of money and they sent us a list of places to check out. The place we went to last week was ridiculous. No one should have to send their kids there. It was an in-home daycare run by a woman in her 60s who informed us her 14-year-old foster child helps out. The daycare consists of a tiny living room with no sunlight coming in because the windows are all draped over. The house was a total mess with dogs running around. There were 3 kids when we went to visit and they were all lethargic, just lying on their cots. The tv was on too. I have no doubt this woman truly loves kids and she would love Cecelia, but I could never leave her there. It would be totally affordable, but as soon as I saw that place my heart told me to do whatever it takes to get Cecelia into a daycare where I know 100% for sure that she’ll be happy. I had a fear when I was pregnant that I wouldn’t be selfless enough to be a mom, but, holy cow, I would do anything for that little ladybug. So that’s good to know, huh? I’ve started writing a journal for Cecelia to give to her one day, maybe on her 18th birthday. People always talk about how your children grow up so fast, so enjoy each day. Instead of trying to just do that, I’m recording it all so we’ll rememer every morsel. I want her to know how loved she is and how happy she makes us. Instead of just telling her that, she’ll be able to read it for herself. Enjoy the lovely Sunday!
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06.04.08
Posted in Write Today at 9:26 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
Ever since Cecelia came into my life I’ve been singing a lot. She loves to be held and listen to me sing and it made me realize how little I had been singing before she came along. I used to sing all the time and used to write songs, but like a lot of things in my life, it fell by the wayside. I leave the TV off all day and we listen to the radio or CDs or sometimes just enjoy a quiet apartment. The other night when she was fussy I popped in an Erasure CD b/c I knew I would know all the words from when I was a teenager and listened to that album nonstop. As I was singing to her I had to laugh b/c the songs were a far cry from lullabies. I can’t think of anything specific, but a lot of songs are about sex, gay relationships and explaining to his parents that he’s gay….okay, so I guess those are pretty specific examples after all. It’s nice to have an audience to sing to–even better, an audience who loves whatever I sing. It’s been nice to revisit old CDs and leave the TV off. I had a fear that I would get sucked into daytime TV, but that definitely hasn’t been the case. I turned a court show on the other day when I was eating lunch and couldn’t stand it for more than a few minutes. If we had cable it would be a whole different story, but thank goodness we don’t. I ducked out for a couple hours this morning while Trey watched CeCe and I went to a coffee shop. I had a cappuccino and dang it was good. I missed espresso so much when I was pregnant. Coffee is one thing, espresso is a whole other world of goodness of its own. I finished the last round of editing of my manuscript, so now I just need to write a foreward and start the process of self-publishing it. Now I have to make fun decisions like what I want on the cover, what size the book should be, etc. It’s a bummer it didn’t get published by a publishing house, but I kind of don’t care at this point. It’s funny what having a baby has done to my perspective. My life’s so damn wonderful that if I don’t reach all my goals, that’s just fine. As long as I enjoy the journey, I’m thrilled.
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05.28.08
Posted in Write Today at 5:02 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
I pretty much have the world’s best husband. I had a long day with Cecelia yesterday. She must’ve been going through a growth spurt or something, but she needed to be fed almost every hour and she was so fussy that by the end of the day my arms were quivering from having to hold her so much. This morning Trey took her out of our room and I slept in until 8:30. When I woke up and after I fed her again, he told me to go to a coffee shop (my favorite thing to do!) so I could work on my book and get out of the house for a bit. I was only at the coffee shop for an hour, but talk about a refresher. Ever since this morning I’ve had loads of energy and optimism simply b/c I took an hour and devoted it to me and my goal of being a writer. It got me thinking that I should definitely set aside a set time each day to do that. To say “I’ll write today” is one thing, but to say, “I’ll write from 9-10:00 today” is a bit more concrete. Plus I knew the rest of my day would be devoted to my sweet C-bird, so I took that hour seriously. So often I’ll sit down to write and I’ll piddle around on the internet, but knowing I have only an hour made me be more productive. I got stuck behind an elderly woman at the coffee shop this morning. She had a long, very specific order of a sesame bagel with cheddar cheese on both sides, scrambled eggs (which aren’t even on the menu) and coffee that’s extra hot. She explained everything twice to the guy to make sure he got it right. I was going to get a cappuccino, but instead decided to get a regular old cup of coffee to save time b/c the clock was already counting down my precious hour and old lady Specific Pants wasn’t helping. I came home and Cecelia was sleeping, so I returned the favor of relaxation to Trey and I offered to take our dog for a walk, which turned out to be yet another wonderful part of my day. I’m getting stronger and feel fully recovered from delivery. These days fly by, but at least today I can say I started my day off with writing. If I keep doing that, something’s got to come of it!
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05.24.08
Posted in Write Today at 10:00 pm by Rebecca Rine-Stone
It’s 9:00 on a Saturday night and I just realized I never did get around to brushing my teeth or showering today. Oops. During the weekdays I have a rule that I must be completely showered and dressed by noon. I refuse to be a “housewife” who naps the day away lazing around in sweatpants. Today Trey was home so we started cleaning and running errands (oh and taking care of our daughter!) so before we knew it it’s 9:00 at night and we look like dirty hoodlums. I love it though. It’s so amazing to watch little Cecelia grow and change from week to week. Some days she wants her independence and be held in a certain way so she can see what’s going on and other days she just wants a good tight snuggle to feel safe and comfy. When we figure out what she wants we are always relieved and surprised that we could figure it out. We barely know what we want each day let alone a 5-week old! I don’t go back to work until July 14, but I’m already getting sad about it. Last night I had a dream I was at work before my maternity leave was over and I finally told them, “I’m not doing any work until my leave is over.” I left and by the time I got home, Cecelia was 5 years old. She was sitting up with long hair with little clips in it and she was talking. She had her baby brother in her lap and I was freaking out that that much time had passed and I didn’t realize it. I didn’t even know I had had another child in the dream. I woke up and realized that was a huge symbolic dream telling me I’m nervous about going back to work and missing out on all the special moments of CeCe Lou’s life. It’s going to go by fast and I hate that I have to devote over 40 hours of each week going to work and not seeing her just so we can afford to live in our overpriced condo and pay my grad school loans. It makes me want to sell this place and somehow cut back on all our living expenses so we don’t need so much money to make ends meet. Three years ago we thought buying real estate would be the smartest investment instead of throwing away our money on rent, but now it seems like it might be impossible to sell our condo considering how bad the market is. I wish we would’ve known that. It’s now 10:00. I had to stop writing b/c Cecelia decided she was hungry again and I had to change her diaper and get her back to sleep. Now I’m realizing I never did finish my dinner b/c she got hungry in the middle of it and now I’m starving. Boy are Saturday nights different than they used to be for me!
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